When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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