Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
