plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
