I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
