We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
