Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
