getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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