The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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