I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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