I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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