Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
