I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
