i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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