Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
