I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
