Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
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she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
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You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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