Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
