There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
