i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
