Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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