That's intense
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
