i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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