theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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