oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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