I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
