my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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