sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
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