Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
