hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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