her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
