it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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