you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
