I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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