You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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