I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
