I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
