honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
