my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
