I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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