I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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