gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
