Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
