he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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