Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
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He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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