I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
