these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
