Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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