she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
