Will you blow on my dice?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
