I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
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Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
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We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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