I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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