If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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