my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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