legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
