Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
