Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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