I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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