i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
