Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
